The Lion and the Lamb

I entered in Proud as a Lionso puffed up I thought Iwas King of the jungle.
Grand as I supposed I was; how easily I was caughtImprisoned and chained.
I came to HIM humble as a lamb my head bowed, my heart contrite.He picked me up held me to HIS bosom At last, I grasped, even being held, I was free.
Written by Kathy Black

TRUST WHEN I DO NOT UNDERSTAND
I left heaven sometime ago and entered a world of challenge. The world of which I live is not my home but rather I have been sent to school. I live here for a time, it is not given to me how long but I will remain happily until I am called home.
Sometimes the journey I have undertaken takes me to where the sun shines. Where I hear the peaceful sound of the brook as it babbles. I smell in the air the fragrant smell of blossoms and hear the larks melodious tone.
I trust He who sent me here, though sometimes I do not understand, why the road I have to walk is rough and seemingly unfit for travel. As I look about the road of which I must travel, sometimes it seems I am alone.
The storm blows in; the rain comes down—l’ m afraid. I try to battle the storm by myself I can not at times I just stand still and wait for sometimes the fog rolls in blinding my vision," Please Help", I franticly moan.
He, comes He has a lamp; at first I can't imagine how such a lamp could illuminate the road for me. Then I remember the feeding of the five thousand. I know that His lamp can light the way. I follow the light; I am not alone!
In my ears the sweet song of David echoes: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path". I take His strength, I trust in him I follow the light and I remember home.
Written by: Kathy Black txt: John 9:12 & Ps.42: 8

Atonement

His hands descended to uplift me, hands having amazing strength Yet gently he touched my trembling chin.Tears of repentance fell on His nail scarred hands.
His feet walked the shores of Galilee, as He taught his Father'sways, then nails were driven through those feet.that left footprints, showing me the way.
Through His grace, He elevates me, I saw His caring eyes. Heard words spoken to my heart "go and sin no more".I became a witness of His love, His noble sacrifice, I saw Him bleed at every pore, knowing some drops were shed for me.
I give Him my heart, humble and free,and plead Him to abide with me.
Then he sheds tears of joy,His blessings fall On my repentant soulmy thoughts ascend to Him.
Kathy black 1991

Britzy bitsy beaners! Brittany is my last "black sheep" After Meghan was born I thought I was done--I had my pretty baby girl; it seemed like a nice time to end. But there was one more child in store for me. I was not too happy when I realized I was pregnant--in fact I was a bit upset I fully admit Brittany was a "oh shit" baby. I am so happy she came to our family, I am so blessed that the Lord sent her to us. I do not believe there isn't anything she cannot do she is so very talented she is non-judgemental and beautiful.

One thing I have learned in live is that velvet and satin, beautiful fabrics so pleasing to the touch do not make things smooth. A rough piece of wood will never become smooth by rubbing a piece velvet or satin on it. How does wood become silky smooth? The way it will is rubbing something not at all smooth on it f or instance sandpaper. If you touch a piece of sandpaper it feels as rough as silk or satin or velvet feels smooth. With a lot of sanding the piece of wood becomes as smooth to the touch as those beautiful fabrics that are so glorious to the touch. Such it is in life it is the difficult things each of us go through that makes us lovely; it is adversity or rather how we handle it that makes us beautiful. When Joe and I were about to be married we were counseled by a doctor of Gynecology I had at the time. I still remember him telling us about his little boy that had died many years before, I remember him saying “I am a better man from going through the experience. I can say the same thing having gone through the death of a beloved daughter Jami and the birth of a son that had intellectual difficulties has made me a better person than I would have been if I had not faced those tribulations. I think more deeply and I look at things in a way I never would have if I had not gone through those difficult times. I know that the Lord does not give trials to any of us that we are not capable of handling; it is our choice whether to let it destroy or strengthen us.
While we can learn so much from adversity we can also benefit from the sweet blessings of the Lord or in other words we do not go out and seek for adversity and when the blesses with something that brings us so much delight and pleasure we need not shrink from these blessings. As it takes sandpaper to make a piece of wood smooth once it is smooth the piece benefits from being polished with a smooth cloth. We do not have to keep sanding piece of wood that is already smooth. I have learned to take with pleasure the beautiful and delightful to the touch pieces of satin and velvet the Lord hands me.
Such it is with Meghan I wasn’t going to have any more children after Kristjan he was to be my last I thought so I had a tubal ligation after his birth many times after his birth I was so relieve that I had had the tubal ligation—the thought of having another disabled child were so frightening to me. There was so much to do, so much to accept with Kristjan. One day Joe was sent out of town for some training for his job, so was alone my Mom and Dad were in Iceland serving a mission I hoped that I would bet a letter from them as I had not heard from them for quite some time. When I saw the postman deliver maid to the box I ran outside to the mailbox to get the mail to my chagrin there was no letter in the box from them as I walked back to the house I turned my ankle and fell to the ground. I limped back to the house not thinking I had hurt myself to badly and began writing a letter to Mom and Dad before too long my ankle began to throb and when I looked down I saw it had become extremely swollen it hurt so very bad. Eventually I went to the hospital and had an x-ray while it was not broken it was sprained very badly and it took weeks to heal. I couldn’t be to my family what they needed I could not chase Steven or carry around Kristjan—I had to ask for some help from others; something I didn’t like to have to do. My family needed to have what I couldn’t do for them so I had to ask for help I lay on the couch for the remaining time that Joe was gone and others had to care for my little children. When I was in this situation I began to consider my desires and analyze what would bring me joy. I began to realize that I wanted ever so much another baby, a little girl and while I loved Kristjan I needed to experience the birth of a child that did not have limitation. I prayed about my desire and got an affirmation that it is what the Lord wanted for me. Eventually Joe got home and I discussed it with him he at first didn’t want to go through the slightest possibility of going through the painful experience we had gone through. After praying himself he got the same affirmation as I had received. It was not as easy as to just try to have another baby there were things that had to be done—I had to have the tubal ligation reversed and even then the chances of becoming pregnant were not absolute.
I went through the surgery and after a few months did become pregnant. It was a difficult pregnancy emotionally I feared that something would be wrong with her. I remember praying, please Lord bless me this time don’t give me another experience in building strength just give me the blessing of a normal little baby girl, she doesn’t have to be beautiful and even if she isn’t healthy somehow we can get her healthy.. please just give me that I ask for a normal baby daughter. The day finally arrived she was born yes a baby girl was born and she was healthy as well. I counted the fingers and toes and the doctors and nurses assured me she was perfectly normal. One day while still in the hospital a student doctor came into my room and said to me “do you know that the nurses in the nursery are saying your baby is the most beautiful baby in the nursery”? I had seen her many times but had not noted she was beautiful. I said: “is she pretty, absolutely was his reply. When she was brought to me I noticed how beautiful she was big beautiful eyes, beautiful skin she was gorgeous! Yes the Lord handed me a piece of velvet and the experience made me feel so loved.

Kristjan

The Covered Crown


A prince was sent to earth to live among the common man
His majestic identity covered by the shroud of disability.

Some turned away, some stared and some laughed as he tried to move through his life all covered up.

Some held his hand, and were warmed by his presence.

The brief moment of mortality is past, winter is gone; the shroud lifted.
Hence the conflict won, he wears his noble crown.

Those who turned away now look with awe at his royal face, and hang low the head they once held too high to see his splendid spirit.

Those who held his hand find upon their head also a majestic crown, and share with him the Warmth of God.
Kristjan amazes me when he was born We were told that he likely did not have enough brain tissue to support life--virtually a brain stem only. It is amazing how Our Father in Heaven has blessed him. He can put together his computer and use it to find information. He is honestly amazing. Yet still there are things he cannot do. I have learned to delight and focus on the the things he can do. His glass is overflowing not half empty or half full. He is so kind an patient and a great blessing to our family Kirstjan is my 6th child--my sixth Black sheep there are eight of them you know and that makes us the 10 black sheep.

Acts of kindness --- ( Joe gave this to me cause he thought I was having a sad day)

It is nice to know some one cares and seems to know when you are crying on the inside.

it is ever so helpful to know with him you can let your hair down and absolutely confide.

This is Steven my 5th born child. He certainly kept me busy. He was more time consuming than my twins were! Steven was a delight and came to us after much trial and tribulation. My twins were born September 9, 1977 and Steven was born January 2, 1982 between those two dates I had three miscarriages and Jami died one of the miscarriages came just two weeks after Jami died. Steven was just a little squirt but he was bouncing with energy He crawled at five months and was into everything my eyes had to continually be on him he was fearless! He was a very sweet boy and loving. The years passed by so quickly when he turned 8 and was baptised I realized before I knew it he would be grown and on his own so I wrote something for him reflecting my feelings : Baby boy wrapped in blue, safely held in loving arms.
Just a memory now, you left my arms for children play. Outgrew their use as a cradle but return for an embrace now and then.The days like pages swiftly read pass on and soon you will be a man.Yet how safe you were in my arms how satisfied.
Never would I choose you to enter harm way, I’ve Always kept you secure.Yet to become a man you must leave not only my breast,but also your child’s play.You must enter waters deeper than your wading pool,realize guns are real. Know war does not end, when I call you in for lunch. My apron strings are not long enough to keep you sheltered in your world.
Take courage my son. My arms are outstretched to you. Perhaps they won’t insure safety, just comfort, a brief sanctuary, and an affirmation of love. As I thought before I knew it he was a man and now he is married and has a wife and a little girl of his own... but I shall always remember my little boy.

I guess a blog is writing ones thought. So here goes. I have had a nice day so far to day. I took Brit up to the University of Utah and waited for her. I dove through the avenues remembering when Joe and I live there: the Apartment on 3rd Avenue and K street. we lived in a lower apartment from our bedroom window we had a clear view of Montana; How you say Montana? Well it actually was a car that parked there with a Montana License plate.

Then on N street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue was our second apartment. Oh so many years have gone by but in so many ways my heart is still the same. The last blog I wrote about was about my Jami and how she has helped me in my life how she has deepened my soul and how I still love her though I can not touch her and though I didn't get to raise her I know she is in a better place and that Our Father in Heaven had a reason for taking her.


I shall talk about my 3rd and 4th born now I shall start by saying when I realized that I was going to have another baby I remember saying to myself: " I am going to make sure the distance between my 3rd and 4th baby is much longer. I remember thinking before my 2nd appointment that it would be funny to tease Joe when he got home from work telling him that the doctor told me I was going to have twins. Well the joke was on me for when I went to the doctor that day he said to me: you have had a greater than normal growth spurt the reasons for this are: and he named a few possibilities and then he said as a long shot you may be caring twins. I could not joke Joe about it for it was a real possibility. As the weeks and months went by it wasn't mentioned again and I continued to grow larger at 6 months people were asking me if I was going to have the baby any day now or how many weeks late I was. Finally when I was over seven months pregnant I ask my Doctor what he thought and he said he would like to take an x ray so with 5 weeks to go I had an x ray I still remember Dr. Steele bringing in the xray and showing me two babes wow!! The day came for them to be born I was to have a C-section first David Ammon was born and then two minutes later Danielle Ilene was born. yeah a much longer span between 3rd and 4th pregnancy-- TWO MINUTES! They were adorable :David blond hair and Danielle dark hair; a doctor said of them" not only do they not look like each other they look like strangers passing in the night. The above photo is of my twin brothers each one holding a twin Dan is holding Danielle and David is holding David. (baby David is blond Baby Danielle has dark hair)

A SONG FOR A RAINY DAY

Once upon time not long ago, I close my eyes and it seems like yesterday, a beautiful baby girl was born. Fairy tales begin this way, but this is not a fairy tale. The events which follows really happened: It is about a princess though a very fair one, who came to this world from a great kingdom the daughter of a great King, God our Father, she having been crowned with a royal inheritance from Him.

Her story in some ways is like Snow White, for she had such dark beautiful hair and also fair lovely skin. In a way she was like sleeping beauty, for she now sleeps to awake another day. The way that her story is different than a fairy tale is, fairy tales are written by men or women, her tale is really written by God for while on this earth, she had her hand in His and He lead her.

She truly was like no other child, I know that every mother thinks that her children are the best or the most special; but I knew from the beginning that she was the child of my dreams. "Jami, her name will be Jami. If her eyes are brown and her hair is brown, we will call her Jami. If on the other hand, she is fair, blond and blue eyed, we will name her Amyjo". Hours before her birth Joe and I talked about the name of the child within me. We knew the birth of our second child was close at hand. Somehow I knew that I would be having a girl, boys names were never discussed to any extent.

Late that evening Joe took me to the hospital and early the next morning, a 6 LBs 6 oz baby girl was born. Joe saw her first and noting her dark hair said, "she is definitely a Jami11. She was beautiful; brown eyes dark hair and a radiance of spiritual beauty as well as physical beauty. Her skin seemed to be a size too big for her body and it was dry, but before too long her body filled in to fit her skin and her skin became soft and subtle. She was the picture of health and beauty, a perfect picture book baby.

The months past, her growth and development was always advanced, Before I knew it she was 6 months old. I was very happy, but overwhelmed as the mother of twenty-one month Roshannah, and six month 0 Jami.

About this time we moved in our very own home.

It was fun fixing one of the bedrooms as a nursery for my two little girls. There we taught them both to say their prayers. Jami took her first steps in our first home, about 12 months.

Then I was overwhelmed; those two girls got into everything. I felt so sick yes I was pregnant again. It became obvious that I was much larger in the third pregnancy The possibility was that I might have twins. Late in the pregnancy it was confirmed that I would have twins. Wow 4 children under the age of three we were overwhelmed! The late summer of 1977,1 delivered two beautiful babies, A baby boy first blond. The second a pretty little dark headed girl.

Jami was never jealous of the twins she did feel like she hadn't been a baby long enough, But she never behaved badly toward them. Always she loved them usually she was gentle; though sometime she was a storm cloud.

But she was extraordinary her beautiful eyes reflected the beauty within, her eyes were like telescopes, focused into heaven. She brought such a big piece of heaven to our home. At about 19 months, She started to sing songs. No angel in the choirs of heaven sounded so beautiful.

She loved music and she loved to sing. She brought joy to the hearts that loved her most, by exercising this special gift. She loved to share and she loved the truth. On the lighter sided she loved to eat. It always made us chuckle, just to see how much she could eat; sometimes, singing between bites.

Often I sang her to sleep I sang to her the songs I knew. Sometimes she would sing with me, as I sang to her, her eyelids would flutter then I gently close her eyes. Jami would give into blissful sleep awaking in a couple of hours most always cheerful

When the twins were about 7 months old we moved to the brown Split entry home One day she was with my mother for a visit, she told my Mother that she missed her brown house. She loved her home, and though she loved grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, home was still her favorite place to be.

She turned three on February 17,1979. This was an important year in her life. It would be the year she returned from whence she came. In the beginning of that year Joe lost his job and this caused quite a financial strain. But Jami kept us happy with her singing. She had so much faith. She used to sing "Singing in Rain" 5 pretty. In July Joe found a good job which released the financial strain.

I got the horrifying feeling that Jami would not be with us too much longer. Scary symptoms began to manifest themselves, headache, vomiting, and towards the end, Bells Palsy and weakness in the left arm and leg.

One day when I was overwhelmed with fear, I knelt in prayer. I told God that I could not bear to lose her, that he could not take her from me. I was amazed that almost at the same time as I was saying the words, came a divine peace, a peace that is so hard to describe. The feeling that came over me was that I could do what ever the Lord ask me to do, and with that peaceful feeling, I did find the strength to say "Thy will be done".

"I thought she was His before she was mine. He who sent her here has every right to call her home". As I looked forward to her return from my mother, perhaps, Our Father in Heaven missed her, too. If her spirit could communicate she would say "I miss my real home Mama". I asked only that what ever was to happen, that it happen quickly, for I could bear not knowing any longer. I then knew that I could accept the will of my Heavenly Father, that He loved me, and that He would always be there for me. In Psalms 55:22 it reads: Cast thy burdens upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee. Indeed he sustained me, comforted me, and loved me but he would not remove the trial from me for it was his divine plan for Jamie to come home.

I have learned that though there are some and likely most trials that He must let us endure, and I said "LET" for a very special reason. Too much help probably weakens us we are our children and he loves us I believe as a perfect being he delights in us coming to our own solutions to the difficulties that face us. He listens, makes us feel warm and comfortable when we are heading in the right direction. To take the problem away would not strengthen us so he lets us suffer which likely pulls at His heartstrings as it would any loving parent.

The night before the CT scan was to be done Joe was late coming from work. I lay on the floor and I began to cry. Jami, who had been her bedroom came into the living room and ask me what was wrong. I pulled her close to me and I told her that I loved her, she said that she would miss me, then she hugged me, and kissed me, she then ran off to play. I knew that she was in His hands. I tried to put myself in His hands too.

Finally, a CT scan was done and it was discovered that she had a brain tumor. Surgery was suggested and agreed upon. On our way to the hospital I talked to Jami I told her that I would be there for her as long as I could and when I could not be there

Anymore that she could count on the fact that the Lord would never leave her alone. I seemed to really be talking to myself for she seemed already calm and not a bit afraid. She said "Mama thank you that is so nice of you'1. She was really comforting me.

The surgery was take place the next morning, then the answer "no" from the Lord, was delivered by her neurosurgeon, when after the surgery he told us that the tumor was cancerous, was massive, and was terminal. Our only hope was a miracle and I know that the miracle of life would not happen. I remembered the whispering of few months before. So instead of asking for the miracle of life, We prayed for the miracle of a peaceful passing. Of which, our Father granted.

On November 9,1979, less than 48 hours after the surgery, she died peacefully. After her death, I rocked her, and I sang to her, as I had done so many times before. The song I sang: "hush little baby don't say a word mamas going to buy a mocking bird. If that mockingbird won't sing mama 5 going to buy you a diamond ring". As I finished the song I noticed that her eyes were not completely closed I again gently closed her eyes. I gave her body to the nurses never in this life to touch it again. ON November 12, she was buried I symbolically laid her down after rocking her to sleep, later to awake, and she will in His time. I know her body sleeps, as her spirit continues to do the will of Our Father in Heaven. Soon, one day the Bridegroom cometh, and with His coming He, the Prince of peace, shall kiss away the sting of death, conquering it forever.

Her life was short, just three years and nine months, but in that time she brought such joy to our lives, she left such beautiful memories to last my lifetime. I think of the song she loved to sing "Singing in the Rain", and I realize that, to us all some rain must fall, but if we can sing in the rain, what joy can come to our lives. It is easy to sing in the sunlight, with the warmth of the sun upon our shoulders but to sing when our days are gray and cold, when we feel alone, this tells our Father in Heaven that we have put our trust in Him. So I try to sing when the sun goes down, when the days are cold for, I know the SON'S light always shines, and His warmth is ever present, and we are never alone, nor cold, nor without light, if we trust in God. I feel the Father can call me a just person if I rejoice in him in stormy as well as days of peace and sunshine. In Proverbs 4:18 it says: But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. Trusting in the will of God will lead me through the darkness unto the perfect day, when death and sorrow is no more.

Anymore that she could count on the fact that the Lord would never leave her alone. I seemed to really be talking to myself for she seemed already calm and not a bit afraid. She said "Mama thank you that is so nice of you. She was really comforting me.

The surgery was take place the next morning, then the answer "no" from the Lord, was delivered by her neurosurgeon, when after the surgery he told us that the tumor was cancerous, was massive, and was terminal. Our only hope was a miracle and I know that the miracle of life would not happen. I remembered the whispering of few months before. So instead of asking for the miracle of life, We prayed for the miracle of a peaceful passing. Of which, our Father granted.

On November 9,1979, less than 48 hours after the surgery, she died peacefully. After her death, I rocked her, and I sang to her, as I had done so many times before. The song I sang: "hush little baby don't say a word mamas going to buy a mocking bird. If that mockingbird won't sing mama 5 going to buy you a diamond ring". As I finished the song I noticed that her eyes were not completely closed I again gently closed her eyes. I gave her body to the nurses never in this life to touch it again. ON November 12, she was buried I symbolically laid her down after rocking her to sleep, later to awake, and she will in His time. I know her body sleeps, as her spirit continues to do the will of Our Father in Heaven. Soon, one day the Bridegroom cometh, and with His coming He, the Prince of peace, shall kiss away the sting of death, conquering it forever.

Her life was short just three years and nine months, but in that time she brought such joy to our lives; she left such beautiful memories to last my lifetime. I think of the song she loved to sing,"Singing in the Rain", and I realize that, to us all some rain must fall, but if we can sing in the rain, what joy can come to our lives. It is easy to sing in the sunlight, with the warmth of the sun upon our shoulders but to sing when our days are gray and cold, when we feel alone, this tells our Father in Heaven that we have put our trust in Him. So I try to sing when the sun goes down, when the days are cold for, I know the SON'S light always shines, and His warmth is ever present, and we are never alone, nor cold, nor without light, if we trust in God. I feel the Father can call me a just person if I rejoice in him in stormy as well as days of peace and sunshine. In Proverbs 4:18 it says: But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. Trusting in the will of God will lead me through the darkness unto the perfect day, when death and sorrow is no more.

She added depth to my life. I know that those telescopes (eyes) are still working only now, Sometime she focuses on us. In so doing, she brings us closer to our Father in Heaven, and I bask in the warmth of her celestial spirit, and I wait until he comes again.

I love her so

When Roshannah was about 15 months and one half months old Jami Sue was born. she was so tiny just 6lbs 6 ozs. However she grew and grew We said she was born with a size to large skin but it didnt take long before it fit.. She was beautiful. It was so much fun being the mother of two beautiful girls. Jami will in my mind always remain almost 4; I didnt see her grow to be a woman--that awaits me. She died November 9, 1979.

Roshannah Kathleen Black (now Funk) she was our first and she made my life so wonderful my very first child my very own child. No longer did I hold someone Else's wishing I had my own this little one was mine. I was to love her, feed her teach her.. dry her tears. Yeah cry a few because of her the complete nine yards. and before I knew it she was raised and I had to let her go she became Darren Allen Funk's wife I witnessed their Temple Marriage in the Salt Lake Temple. I cried tears of joy.

It all started on a reasonably warm day in December. December 20, 1973. Joe and I were married in the Provo Temple. We had a reception a couple days later--the weather was not nice at all --- it stormed really bad. What else to you expect for December. we have been through a lot of storms together since then; some to do with weather and some to do with tragedy and some to do with each others weakness and pride. To those times I say:

Stand Eternal
Many years ago we entered temple doors hand in hand, our future ahead of us.We said yes to each other I would be your eternal wife you would be my eternal companion. We said yes in front of our fathers who stood as witnesses to the sacred event. Through the years we forgot sometimes how simple and pure it is to love. We sometimes forgot that, as a couple we could stand eternal. Buildings are torn down my men to make room for new buildings but our love could be eternal.But alas, yes men too could tear it down. Sometimes we let the thoughts of man tear at our scared standing. Pages have been turned containing sacred writings as we have written history brought children into the world-we have passed through valleys and hills together. I wish it had always been hand in hand. Yet sometime albeit we were together our hearts were far apart. Yet always something brought us in each other’s reach. We stood over a child and waited for her to pass through the veil of mortal life into another world. Our hearts have ached for her. We recall her; she is part of the sacred writing of our book of life. Now in the middle of our lives can we again say yes? Can we stand eternally together? I am neither the young bride nor you the youthful husband, yet we still are children of God. Eternity is not so far away it is part of today. Let us stand eternal.

A lot of time has past since I have last blogged I now have a new granddaughter. Her name is Makena Leilani Black she is Steven's and Nalea's baby. She is so beautiful; I am so happy for them. I am very blessed to have such wonderful children, each of them are good living I love them ever so much. Today is a crazy day Joe is on call it is Sunday and we didn't go to church. Wanted to go to Meghans to see her house but that will have to wait until next Sunday when Joe is not on call. Steven and Nalea are coming over to do some wash and of course they are going to bring Makena--they even have some pictures of her yea!!